Saturday, September 10, 2016

Where were you ?

I was here giving up on love, hope and everything nice.
Because after 26 years of existence, I had given up on ever finding someone I like, a person somewhat like me to love, a person to spend the rest of my life with.

I was here having imaginary conversations with myself and wondering if I will ever meet someone with whom I can have deep discussions about the sun and the moon and everything in between.

I was here feeling unpretty, unbeautiful and making up unlovely words to describe myself.

I was here preparing for a life alone or with someone who will never make the effort to ever understand, appreciate or get me. Because I was sure I did not want to be alone.

But I would like to think I was here preparing for you.
For your entry into my life.
So that when you came, you fit into the jigsaw puzzle of my life like you belonged there.
Like all the ridges and breaks were created to fit you in perfectly.
You came and I did not have to move around any of my feelings or emotions or fears and flaws.
You came and our conversations are so much better than any of my imagined ones.
You spoke and look at me here planning out a life with you and not dreading the word forever.
You came and everything is bearable and easy and okay.

Where were you ?

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Words

Tracing fingers along favorite words in books to commit them to memory and highlighting sentences.
Reading anything and everything you can see, every hoarding, store name, menu, product label.
Writing down new words over and over again just because you like writing the letters it is made up of or just because wanting to write it down is an itch which needs to be scratched.
And then you read his words. And most of them are about you. You want to commit everything to memory and so you read it over and over again. You want to write down everything and keep them some place safe. Here at last is someone who can roll words into such fine joints and the high you get from this is immeasurable.

Monday, July 4, 2016

People before things...

...Except when it comes to books.

I am one of those people who practices "People before things" - things can be replaced but people cannot be replaced.

So, whenever someone breaks or loses any of my things, I don't get angry or mad or feel bad. Nobody is perfect and people make mistakes and all that blah. I usually forgive and forget if my friend loses say my favorite earring. I just say something like "Those were my favorite pair of earrings. But it's okay." She already knows that those are my favorite and she knows what she did was bad and I should not make her feel worse by shouting at her or crying about it and thereby spoiling the mood of two people. I can make some other pair my favorite and move on.

I took a lot of time to get to the point where I am now with this practice as far as having no favorite things. Now, I don't have any favorites, except books. I love my books. I crib and whine if someone wants to borrow my books. If someone borrows my books, I call them up to ask about their progress and whether they liked it or not but the real intention of calling them is to calculate the time they will take to finish it so that I can call them up and remind them to return it. I might be your worst nightmare if you borrow my books, that is the reason I rarely lend them.

If you ever end up with one of my books, first of all, lucky you (or did you flick it without my knowledge ?), second of all, follow these instructions, please.
Treat the book like a person. Don't touch it too much. Don't fold anything (Would you fold a person ? Would you ? Would you ?) Don't stuff it inside your handbag (Please, for the love of God women) Don't lick it.
Don't write anything on it. Don't keep a paper on MY BOOK and write on it. This might leave the imprint of your writing on MY BOOK.
Don't eat or drink while you are reading my book, not even water. When you feel the urge to eat or drink, keep the book down, move 10 meters away from my book. Curb your urges. Wash your hands and dry them. Wash hands again (just to be safe) and dry them thoroughly and then come back and resume reading.
Don't use it as a toy for your baby or dog or cat or chameleon or snake or rat or ants. Because MY BOOK is not a toy.
Don't leave it out in the sun or the rain or in the middle of the desert or the middle of the river (or lake or ocean or sea or pond or puddle).
Don't spill stuff on it, even by accident. Would you spill something on a person by accident ? OMG! You would. You know what, stay away from my book, you are not getting it.
Sigh! I tried.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Sadness and depression.

I always thought sadness is synonymous with depression. But the stark difference came to light when I experienced both.

Sadness is a reaction brought on by external elements. Like a hurtful comment, a loss of some kind, a death of  loved one. Something which is out of our control. As soon as I realized this I saw how controllable this emotion is. Sadness can be overcome so easily (You might think otherwise if you have never been depressed). We just have to control to what extent we allow ourselves to react to situations.

Depression is a reaction to internal elements. Every mean thing the inner voice tells us. Like "You are not good enough", "You could not even keep your job", "You will never be good enough", "How do you expect anyone to love you, you are an ugly mess". How should this be overcome or controlled ? We are our meanest critic.

People so easily confuse sadness and depression. Recently my co-worker told me that he is in depression. A thing which a depressed person would never admit to a stranger. A root cause analysis soon revealed that he is not happy with his job, an external element. Totally controllable. So is he depressed ? Maybe, because he thinks he cannot find a job which he will like. Or is he just sad ? Because the manager is mean. Can you see the connection ? His manager says a mean thing, which makes him sad and soon he thinks he is not fit for the job and now he is depressed.

So, is depression controllable ? Based on the above connection, up to some extent yes. Also, listing down positive things about me and cutting me some slack has helped me.

I am no expert on this. But realizing this has helped me in some ways. I would like to think, that by writing this I am paying it forward. If it helps one person out there, that is enough for me.

If you would like to add to this please do leave a comment.

Monday, November 9, 2015

Me: You are like a pinata.
Her: You mean full of sweets? Aww..!!
Me: *No, I want to hit you repeatedly with a stick* Yes.